Because I tend to be a "feeler" and often over emotional, it is a challenge for me to remain detached, especially from people. Whatever I feel, I feel deeply and get hooked easily and readily. I would not give this up. For all of the pain that I have experienced because of it, the amount of love that I have felt overrides the negativity. I believe that as I progress in obtaining the peace inside me, this overflowing love will be a gift so great that I will have no choice but to share it. A key to progression is learning to be detached so that the giving is free and without condition.
It is this attachment that has me writing blogs like yesterday's. I spent a day home sick after that. Luckily for me, I spent it with my woman who knows that I have days where I am sad for no reason. She is wonderful because I can tell her that I am sad and I don't know why and she takes it in stride with everything else. Her response was, "what do you need?" which is the perfect response. I thought I needed a day to myself. Maybe I did, but what I had was a day with her talking freely and sitting in the sun or in the house. I said things that needed to be said, and I felt better. In talking to her, I opened my self up to myself so that I could see what was really bothering me.
I get inside my head and get lost in the infinitesimal space that is my mind. The things that I don't say try to grow to the size of that space. The smallest pebble becomes a mountain. How often do we do this? I know that I do it all the time. It is a challenge that I have recognized and work to prevent.
In this case, that pebble was my insecurities and issues with trust thrust upon another person as something else, so that pebble became a tac.
It is once again a pebble. Although it is still there for me to stumble upon, I can see it. Because I can see it, it is no longer anything other than what it is. I need to feel attached to someone, to seek happiness through them. I know this. I have known this for a long time, I think. I am only just now recognizing it for what it is. In this recognition, there is freedom, a realization. A pebble is a pebble, not a mountain. Look at it for what it is and it becomes something beautiful that you can say you found peace from. Look at it as something else and it becomes a mountain that you struggle to climb.
When she asked me what I needed, I told her that I wanted her to stay but at the same time I did not want to use her to be happy. In saying this, I felt a sort of lightness that comes with the few epiphanies we are lucky enough to find. From there, we talked. For me talking is a way to let things go. Like the words off of my tongue, the problems and struggles go the way of the wind when I speak them. They become smaller, less important. I know this is a constant lesson for me. One day, I will learn it and in that day I will be a step closer to detachment.
namaste
"Why is there this urge to identify, to be attached? Why is one human being attached to another? Does not attachment breed fear, fear of losing what one is attached to? Being attached, you may become jealous, frightened, anxious, which are obvious phenomena. You are attached because of your own insufficiency, loneliness. And so out of your own insufficiency, loneliness, a sense of lacking, you cling to another. So is attachment love? Where there is attachment there must be exploitation. And we use that word love to cover up all this. And is love jealousy? None of these things exist as attachment when you have understood that that emptiness in yourself can never be filled by something else. You have to look at it. You have to not escape from it, observe it totally. In attachment there is fear, there is anxiety, there is hate, all the conflicts in relationship; and where there is conflict can there be love?"
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Jiddu Krishnamurti
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