Old Man Emo

Is it possible to really get past the entrenched enemy of anxiety and distrust?  My gut is screaming at me that there is something dishonest happening.  That the whole truth has not been revealed.  That there are remnants of something from before lingering like flies that have taken to buzzing around my head.  She has told me more than she told me before, which means that she had not been open and although she did not lie, she also did not tell the whole truth. 
I struggle with half truths. 
Half truths have broken my heart into more pieces than I can count.  The fear of that breaking brings up the anxiety.  It turns my stomach and burns in my chest. 
So I breathe and I reach out for inner peace, but it eludes me behind the torrent of mixed emotion and uncertainty.  I close my eyes and focus on the moment, but the tidal wave of fear wipes it away in the ocean of discontent; the ocean that I am drowning in.  The depression, the sadness, the fear, the ugly emotions that threaten me every day rear their head and take their shots in the wake of my weakness.  But I breathe deeply again.  I remind myself that it is all in passing.  I do not need her for happiness.  I do not need her to be whole.  That is within myself.  If I can reach into myself, then what she reveals and does not reveal does not matter. 
I am weak.  All of this reminds me of that weakness and I know that it is said that the struggle can lead to the greatest gains, but it hurts.  It frustrates.  It angers. 
She lives in the moment and although I feel that it is a defense mechanism for her, I envy it. I remember when I was that way, when I was loose and free.  I am not that anymore.  I have been tied up into a tight package and struggle to break the bonds.  I see the knife, but I can not reach it. 
And I am tired. 
The anxiety wears me down. 
This is just a taste of a time not too long ago.  A time where these seeds of doubt were planted, the roots cracking what was once rock solid trust. 

Maybe I am broken.  Unable to function as I once did.  Maybe I am fine and am just experiencing what we all go through.  Maybe I am just emo beyond my years. 

I will keep trying, breathing, breathing, breathing.
This cancer will either take me over or I will finally break free.  Time will tell.