Life is Stubborn

For a short time I believed that you should follow your heart.  Go where it leads you and find your bliss.  But my bliss does not lie in simply following my heart.  My heart is not that guide that takes me off to show me the cool stuff with little regard for safety.  "The heart has its reasons for which reason knows not."*  In a romantic and ideal world, this would be amazing.  I would follow love wherever it took me with no care for the hearts of others and would experience things that would be earth shattering.  But I can't live that way.  I tried.

In this world, simply following my heart has lead to shattering more than just my world.

The hurricane of consequence that follows is still wreaking havoc.  I have been healing and moving forward and rebuilding.  But I will never be the same, and I don't know if it is a good thing this time.  I will never know.  There are lessons I have learned and I have found things about myself that I would never have seen otherwise.  This is the positive, for what it is worth.

There is still a piece of my heart missing, though.  It may never return.  I don't know.

I have met someone that offers promise.  I have that to hold on to as I attempt to move back in to a world that has been shattered.  Part of me expected that nothing would have changed.  I could open the door and step inside to find things just as they were.  I am not so lucky.  Karma still has some work for me to do and I have no choice but to do it.
I am getting all that I asked for, all that I thought I needed.
Solve et Coagula
It's funny how we have no idea what we need for all of our ideas of what we want.

I have regrets now.  Where I would once say that I regret what I don't do more than what I do, I have no words.  I regret what I have done, I regret what I didn't do.  But none of that really matters.  I have only what I am doing now to think about if I hope to keep taking steps and strides.


I know that I can't live by my heart alone.  It isn't me.  I need the balance of heart and mind.  That is where my bliss lies.  As much as I would like to be that person who follows love with graceful abandonment, I am not him.  Anyone can tell you, I am not graceful.  I am that guy that follows love with stumbling awkwardness.  That is okay.  I know that I need to temper my passion with reflection.  That is my love.  That is my bliss.  The beginning anyway.

I am rebuilding at the same time that I am watching something new come to life.
No matter how many times I try to fuck it up, life keeps moving forward and I have no idea what will happen to the things outside of my control.  It's exciting and scary.  It's all life, though.  I guess it is important to remember that.
"If we focus on the waves, we lose sight of the ocean"*


*Blaise Pascal
*Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

My Unguided Current

I have a problem. 
I have no idea what I want.  I am riding this current of life in my little raft and watching the nice scenery and enjoying the way breezes send me this way or that and every once in a while I run into someone else's raft and we have a good time until the current sends me somewhere new.  I am far from alone as I drift along.  I have family and friends that have been riding along with me and me with them.  Even though my boat strays away from the group for a while sometimes to smell a few of the pretty flowers that bloom along the bank, I always end up back in this flotilla of my life. 

I like that.
Even when I don't like it.

I have begun to listen to these people more and more.  Taking advice and asking for help every now and again has helped me to find a sort of paddle.  Sometimes I even use it.  Because I am lucky.  I know it.  I just don't seem to know what to do with it. 

I have a job.  It's not perfect, but it's okay.  It pays.  It's steady.  In this time of my life and in this time of our lives, that is a lucky thing.  I want something more, eventually.  But what?  To teach?  I think so and that statement, as wishy-washy as it is, is a bold statement for me.  I think so is more than the usual "whatever" that I like to use. 
I have friends.  They are amazing.  I keep making new ones too and have recently met some really amazing people that have become something to me.  I like this.  I like friends.  Friends are good.  I am amazingly blessed in the people that have decided I was an okay guy.  Even in my darkest times and in times when I have thought that the current was going against me, people have been there.  I love them.  Even the people that have come and gone have made a mark.  All of these people propel me along on this undecided current I am riding.

I would say that I am missing a "special someone", but I don't know if I am.  There is a part of me that wants to have someone.  Then there is a part of me that wants to have many someones.  Another area where I just don't know what I want.  I keep saying "hey.  I want to have someone in my life."  and then I stop and think about it and I ponder it and I change my mind.  Then I just want to have sex.  I have had outstanding luck with the women in my life.  If I were to complain, the fates would make my penis disappear out of frustration for the gifts that I have been given.  And I do want to be with someone, eventually.  Right now, though, as much as I don't like to say it, I think I should just keep things simple....noncommittal.  It will probably do me some good to ride this for a while. 

I read this blog entry and I am ashamed that I am even able to complain about anything.  I have food and shelter and clothes.  I have a job.  I have family and friends.  I have so much.  I may not know what I want, but I know that I have what I need and that really is brilliant.
So, what place do I have to bitch or to be depressed or down?  I am like a spoiled child not getting everything he wants.  I want this girl or that girl and I can feel depression creep in when I don't get them, even for a night.  And that kind of shit is the greatest of my worries.  I end up getting pissed off at myself when I get like this, when I throw a mini inner tantrum, because I don't get what I want.  I don't get a part in a play that I want, or my friends don't call me to do something, or my friends won't stop calling me to do stuff.  What the fuck.  Is this still high school?  Am I still that fucking kid in baggy jeans sitting in the back of the class who had deep dark thoughts.  Maybe I am still the little kid who would storm out of my house when I got in trouble screaming that I wasn't good enough.  When do I become an adult?
Looking at myself like this is even more fucking depressing.  Looking at it from the outside makes me want to beat my own ass.  I could probably use it.

One of the reasons that I left my wife was to have a blank slate....more or less.  I had to throw everything away in order to see what I had.  Solve et Coagula.
What is this disease that prevents me from seeing what I have that also makes me want what I don't have that also keeps me from getting the things I want?


I know people that are really good at seeing the things they want at going after them.  Maybe that isn't me.  Maybe I am better and rolling with the waves.  Maybe that is a cop out. 
I do realize that at some point I am going to have to start paddling.  I really do know this.  But, I think i am going to float along for a bit longer, allow my hands to lazily drag in the water and enjoy the sun on my face.  I have a lot of things coming at me fairly soon.  I feel it.  Maybe enjoying the gentle drift will be good while I still have it. This river below me is still restless from the storms and the silt is still blocking my view.  As it swirls and clears, though, I know that I am making progress.  I feel good, now.  I feel lighter.  I feel like I should probably bask in this instead of dwelling in the shadow that threatens the sun. 

As with all things, it won't last forever.

My Fickle Heart

My heart makes me crazy sometimes.
It wants what it wants and I am more and more unable to keep it on a leash as I believe I would like to.  I keep meeting women and then there is laughing and sometimes kissing and sometimes sex. I keep meeting these younger women and they are fresh and exciting and wonderful, full of life and promise.  I love life and promise.  But is that what I need? 
Is it possible that life sets the people in front of us, the experiences that open our eyes to what it is?  If you should have that person who fills your life, you will meet those people.  If life decides you need to be free and loose, you meet people who are free and loose.  It gives you skinny dipping and laughing and drinking and dancing in the rain and meeting new people and finding eyes to get lost in and smiles to wake up to and fingers playing with toes and new music and old songs that still stir your heart.  There is a part of me that wants to be with someone and to slow down a little.  Then I have a night out that is crazy and amazing and I no longer know that I want to slow down a little.  I am tired of sex.  I am tired of sweating nakedness and then being alone again.  There is still no room for love in my heart, but it would be nice to want to lie in bed and laugh and talk.  Isn't that kind of what life is about?  Those moments when you really feel connected to something? 
Sex has come to be something that people do.  Love is not sex.  Sex is sex.  Love is the moments between sex.  The gentle touch on the hand, the look, the right words.  Love is the unselfish giving.  Love is the desire to put someone else before you.  Love is the sacrifice freely given.  Love and sex together are something totally new. 

I met someone that sparked something for me.  She is wild and free and experienced with a brilliant smile and startling blue eyes.  She is a friend of a "friend".  I don't know if that is okay.  I am undecided.  I am confused.  I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I want to see her.  My heart wants me to be selfish.  The last time I was selfish the world cracked. 

I don't know. 

I used to think that we are all blowing around on a breeze.  Today I think I may have changed my mind.  I think we are floating on a river.  The current can take us where it wants, or we can paddle ourselves.  If we are sinking, we can choose to swim.....or not. 

It's all our choice. 
I can be selfish.  I can float along.  I can swim.  I won't sink.  Sinking sucks. 

This blog lost all focus and I am trying to tie it together. 
I am letting this one lie. 

Melancholy and Nostalgia

I am prone to bouts of melancholy and nostalgia.
I think of everything that I should have thought of when I should have thought of it. 
I think of it when it is all too late.  I think of it when it is all slipping away.  Even though I know in that little part of me that knows all things that what it was and where I was was not where I was supposed to be or where I was happy I miss things.  I miss ten years of experience.  I miss the things that I was blind to when I could do something about it. 
I feel that tingly burning thing in the corners of my eyes.  I see the moments.  I put them away for a while. 

I know it was my doing.  I know I can't change it.  I still can't help feeling what I feel. 

Suffering is perception. 
Make these moments of regret and sadness moments of learning and experience, a chance to grow and show the real self - to clear the muddy waters. 
I will still hurt though.  For a while. 
I will miss her and will never forget.
And someday when I am really sad about walking I will try to remember her just the way she looked that night and smile at what it was and not what it became.

She is leaving soon. 
I am a mix of emotion. 
The silt is stirring and swirling. 
I will be okay, so they tell me. 
Time needs to get a wiggle on. 

Anger and Love

I am angry.
It's not a quick fuse rage of throwing things and punching walls.  It's a slow burn in the pit of my chest.  It's kind of like love, but unpleasant and ugly.  It pulls me down instead of lifting me up.  Why does it live where love lives?  Could it be that anger and love are just passion with a different face, a change of clothes?  The best sex is the product of either a fight or a moment of unbridled love.  The best relationships live when love can be expressed as well as anger.  The ones that last the longest are fed when both are fostered healthily. 

I am angry.
The weight in my chest from the burden of unspoken memories.  Tears of frustration perch in the corner of my eyes.  This leashed scream that is crouched in my chest is the product of not saying the things that I want to say.  But how can I even contemplate always saying the things that I want to say when anger is the source?  I have no desire to hurt anyone.  I don't want to lash out in anger, to say things I will regret and possibly don't mean.  "Some words once spoken, can't be taken back".  Here is my fire.  Words that have been said that can't be taken back.  Words that burned me so deeply they still surface to peel off the scars that have begun to form.  I don't want to destroy people's lives, I want to get over it and move on, I know she has, I don't feel like a monster, I meant the love I felt, I pulled away because it had to be done, I know I played my part, but it is not all my fault. 
I hate that these words affect me like they do.
It all spins around my head.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me feel sorry for myself which pisses me off which makes me ashamed which makes me angry again and it is swirling like a storm.  A storm that feeds on everything else that I have said and done.  My screaming and my tears and my wallowing and my self pity and my denial and my suicide and my leaving and my apologies and holes left in walls and in hearts.  A maelstrom of bullshit.  A pressure that squeezes my heart threatening to bring me down in a hemorrhage of a past I can't change.  A pressure that leaves me in a state where I say shit like this. 

I am tired of the clouds behind the sun. 

I am tired. 
I am tired of mood swings and of this pathetic heart dripping self purging emo bullshit blogging full of self pity and woeful words that don't mean a fucking thing. 
This is life.  Life is suffering.  This is the first noble truth.  Life is suffering.  This is life. 

I really do need to lighten up and get over it. 
It really pisses me off that the best advice I have been given has been given by women who pissed me off. 
I can only shake my head and recognize the truth in it. 

I do need to lighten up.
I do need to get over it.
I know that the dwelling and the resurfacing continues to muddy the water.  I know that I need to move on.
I am just not entirely sure how.  How do I separate the love from the anger?

Too Many Cooks

It is obvious to me that I am not in a place for a relationship of any emotional quality.
I met up with the woman on Saturday night and had a really good time.  Even though I had initially picked her apart the moment I saw her, I didn't close myself off.  I wanted to give it an honest chance and I am glad I did, sort of.
She was as easy to talk to in person as she was on the phone.  She is ambitious and she is driven and she is aggressive.  I was set on "roll with it" that night, so when she took my hand, I let it be.
We laughed.  A lot.  We also drank a lot.  We also went back to hers.  We listened to some good music.  The night was good.

As I lay there, absorbing the moment and pondering the events of the night, I felt a familiar shortness of breath creep in.  My brain was chasing itself around and when it does that I can't even begin to keep up.  Here I was with a woman who was definitely in to me and I was not on the same page.  She is making plans for September.  I am barely making plans for tomorrow.  I can't help but to think that she is hoping for a real future and is planning for it in her head.  I know women do this, but how can I even think about planning for a future with someone when I am barely able to plan for my own future.  I am trying to live in the moment.  But overcoming the mountain of doubts and baggage that looms over me right now is a daunting task.  When I stop thinking about what she might be thinking, I am alright.  I had fun.  We had a good night out.  Do I feel an immense emotional connection to her?  No.  Do I like her?  Yes.  Is that enough?  For me it is.
So now I have the responsibility of calling her up and laying some of this stuff out.  I feel like a real ass.  I would imagine that is because I acted like that guy who does what I do.  I hate it when women don't tell me what they are feeling or thinking and I am left floundering around trying to figure it out.  I can't leave her like that.  She told me that I am responsible for her acting in a way she has never acted before.  She is a bit more outgoing around me.  If I am not mistaken, she is seeing that as a sign of some kind.  That is not good when I am not seeing the same signs.
The challenge of asking her what her mind is saying and telling her what mine is saying is no fun.  I hate the idea of possibly hurting someone.  I don't want to.  I really don't, but I find myself in this position again and again.  At what point do I learn?
I am not ready to be dating.

Emotionally I am still fucked.  The ex-wife is leaving and making plans and we are going to be having a talk later in the week.  I still cry from thoughts of her and memories and actions and all the shit that I have been wading in for too long.  I really want to get over it all.  I really do.  I just haven't done it yet.  I kick myself daily for the way things happened, but like my friend says, it is done.  I can't go back.  I can't change things.  I have to move on, and I am trying.  It is the part where I have to get over some emotional baggage that I am struggling with.
Living in the moment and trying to deal with my shit are two life concepts that butt heads.  At least in the way I am doing it.  Living in the moment says, "go out, have a drink, see what happens."  Dealing says, "don't be an ass.  You are not ready."  My brain and my heart and my gut are all at odds too. 
Too many cooks in the kitchen and I am burning again. 

So, now I have set myself up to have a talk with someone.  I don't know how that talk will go, exactly.  It is not a fun thing to tell someone that you are all fucked up in the head.  I had fun with her and would still like to spend time with her, just not in the way that she seems to be headed.  I guess it will play out as it plays out and I will have had another super awesome learning experience where I hurt someone. 
It is getting old. 
At some point the beatings will stop and I will have realized that I can't keep doing this shit.  When?  When will I listen to the words I have been reading?   I knew I was dense.  I know that it takes a long time for life to sink in for me.  I just can't seem to keep that from messing with others.  I think it is time to just get off the market.  Stay out of the dating scene.  Denounce sex, for a while.  Spend time with friends and myself.  When the time is right and the moons have aligned with the stars and the blah fucking blah astrology bullshit blah blah....

More simply put....someday.

Fear, My Shield

I talked to her.
I am scared, amongst another hodge-podge of emotions. 

We spoke the other night on the phone and hit it off right away.  She talks a lot, which is good for me, because I don't really talk all that much.  She is funny.  She finds me funny.  We laughed deep belly laughs for nearly an hour of the conversation.  I was wheezing and snorting.  It felt good.  I have not laughed like that in a long time. 
She is crazy like me too.  She says what she is feeling and so do I.  She seems to feel things quickly, the way that I do.  I was afraid to tell her that I really wanted to talk to her again.  She said she had been afraid to say the same thing.  This was when we were talking on the phone again last night.  I will talk to her again tomorrow as well.  I have not met this woman, yet I feel a connection. 
This is why I am scared.

I fear that I will not be able to take things slowly, like I know that I need to.  But I am going to try.  I will listen to my heart, but heed the warnings in my head and follow the instinct in my gut.  I am not creating scenarios for our future and I am not wondering what it holds.  I am living in this moment, even as it passes by.  
I don't want the good feelings to be my drug.  I don't want the fear to rule my mind and chase me away.  I also don't want my heart to throw me headlong into something that I have idealized, but which does not exist.  I don't want love to be a projection of my romantic soul.  I would like to see it be what it is.  Then I can add some color with the help of that soul.

I am also afraid that I will meet her and my judgement will take over.  She will be too tall or too short or I won't like her brown eyes and hair or she might want to work out a bit more or will be too skinny.  I am afraid I won't be able to silence that voice. 

I wonder if these are the fears that everyone faces.  The only relationships that I have ever fostered started out as friends and then grew to something else.  This one is starting with the intention of finding something more than just friends.  It is an unfamiliar path.  This fear is a shield of sorts.  As long as it does not cover my eyes from what is good, it might save me from getting crushed again.  I just need to focus on keeping myself out of myself.
One of the benefits of working at keeping out of my head for this is that I have moments where I just enjoy the thought of this woman.  That is what I am going to strive for.  The moment.  Not the future.  I will also not let the past dull the shiny moments with fear. 

I use a lot of definite statements.  I am determined, or at least as determined as I can be.  She may just be a passing fad for me, as too many hearts are, but for now I am excited and buzzing about knowing her. 

There are a lot of mixed emotions swirling in my brain.  I would love to dump them out and paint a picture so I can get a better idea of what all of them are trying to tell me.  But for now I will have to settle for meditating on them as I can piece them together.  Then I make them into words and place them on here for random people to read, which I still don't understand. But I digress. 

Love is a leap.  A big scary leap with no parachute. 

Tired of Sex?

I like sex.  But I have reached an odd point in my life. 
I am teetering in the edge of the boy who would fuck anyone with little concern for the consequences to a man who would kind of like the sex to mean something.  I am not getting all sappy and mushy about it.  I would just like to have sex with someone that I want to spend some time with and this is an odd sort of thing for me.  Done and on to the next one is becoming a bit passe for me and I don't quite have a grip on it. 

Married man friends of mine are a bit jealous of the freedom for my fucking.  They like my stories of being out and drinking and hook ups with younger women and blah blah blah.  It is fun.  I like it.  It is what I wanted for quite some time while I was married.  The freedom to go out and be out and fuck around and talk to girls and have sex, or not, and then they go home and you go to sleep and it is all just super.  And then you get up in the morning and watch tv while eating on the couch and you are naked still and maybe you sleep a bit more and then you take a shower or whatever and eventually you are out again to do it all over.  It's fun.  But it's empty. 

I am taking slow purposeful steps towards being in that state of mind where I want to be with someone on a level beyond horizontal.  It is scary, in many ways.  I have fucked up long term relationships and I don't want to be in that place again.  I have anxiety about women now.  After my last "thing" I am wary of women and the power they can hold over me.  I am keeping most girls at a distance and for good reason.  I am healing.  I am working it out working it through and getting somewhere.  I know what I don't want and am getting an idea on what I do want.  These are good things. 

I still miss the ex wife sometimes.  I still look back on the good times now.  I don't see the shitty things in the same way anymore.  I am moving forward.  Or at least trying. 

It feels like I am missing out on something but I don't know what.  I don't like to miss out on things.  I am going to try to take more risks.  I am going to tell people I like them and thank you for being my friend and I  love you and it's a nice day, why not go to the beach.  I am going to go to the beach more.  Write more.  Talk more.  Sleep more.  Laugh more.  Accept more. 

I could be hit by a car tomorrow or get diagnosed with terminal something or other.  What would I have?  My life is like meaningless sex.  It has been fun and sometimes a bit risky.  It has involved excuses to get women out the door.  It has some good stories.  It is missing something deeper, though.  That thing is in me.  I have to find it.  It is already there.  I just have to find it. 

I am calling a woman tomorrow.  She seems nice in emails and I have seen some pictures and she is cute.  I am scared.  I am scared that she will like me more than I like her or that I will like her more than she will like me or that I will just like her and want to spend time with her.  The last may be the worst one.  But love is a leap.  I suppose that means that life is a leap as well.  Like this bridge I jumped off in Michigan with this chick Katie Shae.  50 feet up with a river that held any number of dangers underneath.  I jumped.  I liked it so much, I did it again. 

I am back there again.  50 feet up, ready to jump into swirling waters.