My Unguided Current

I have a problem. 
I have no idea what I want.  I am riding this current of life in my little raft and watching the nice scenery and enjoying the way breezes send me this way or that and every once in a while I run into someone else's raft and we have a good time until the current sends me somewhere new.  I am far from alone as I drift along.  I have family and friends that have been riding along with me and me with them.  Even though my boat strays away from the group for a while sometimes to smell a few of the pretty flowers that bloom along the bank, I always end up back in this flotilla of my life. 

I like that.
Even when I don't like it.

I have begun to listen to these people more and more.  Taking advice and asking for help every now and again has helped me to find a sort of paddle.  Sometimes I even use it.  Because I am lucky.  I know it.  I just don't seem to know what to do with it. 

I have a job.  It's not perfect, but it's okay.  It pays.  It's steady.  In this time of my life and in this time of our lives, that is a lucky thing.  I want something more, eventually.  But what?  To teach?  I think so and that statement, as wishy-washy as it is, is a bold statement for me.  I think so is more than the usual "whatever" that I like to use. 
I have friends.  They are amazing.  I keep making new ones too and have recently met some really amazing people that have become something to me.  I like this.  I like friends.  Friends are good.  I am amazingly blessed in the people that have decided I was an okay guy.  Even in my darkest times and in times when I have thought that the current was going against me, people have been there.  I love them.  Even the people that have come and gone have made a mark.  All of these people propel me along on this undecided current I am riding.

I would say that I am missing a "special someone", but I don't know if I am.  There is a part of me that wants to have someone.  Then there is a part of me that wants to have many someones.  Another area where I just don't know what I want.  I keep saying "hey.  I want to have someone in my life."  and then I stop and think about it and I ponder it and I change my mind.  Then I just want to have sex.  I have had outstanding luck with the women in my life.  If I were to complain, the fates would make my penis disappear out of frustration for the gifts that I have been given.  And I do want to be with someone, eventually.  Right now, though, as much as I don't like to say it, I think I should just keep things simple....noncommittal.  It will probably do me some good to ride this for a while. 

I read this blog entry and I am ashamed that I am even able to complain about anything.  I have food and shelter and clothes.  I have a job.  I have family and friends.  I have so much.  I may not know what I want, but I know that I have what I need and that really is brilliant.
So, what place do I have to bitch or to be depressed or down?  I am like a spoiled child not getting everything he wants.  I want this girl or that girl and I can feel depression creep in when I don't get them, even for a night.  And that kind of shit is the greatest of my worries.  I end up getting pissed off at myself when I get like this, when I throw a mini inner tantrum, because I don't get what I want.  I don't get a part in a play that I want, or my friends don't call me to do something, or my friends won't stop calling me to do stuff.  What the fuck.  Is this still high school?  Am I still that fucking kid in baggy jeans sitting in the back of the class who had deep dark thoughts.  Maybe I am still the little kid who would storm out of my house when I got in trouble screaming that I wasn't good enough.  When do I become an adult?
Looking at myself like this is even more fucking depressing.  Looking at it from the outside makes me want to beat my own ass.  I could probably use it.

One of the reasons that I left my wife was to have a blank slate....more or less.  I had to throw everything away in order to see what I had.  Solve et Coagula.
What is this disease that prevents me from seeing what I have that also makes me want what I don't have that also keeps me from getting the things I want?


I know people that are really good at seeing the things they want at going after them.  Maybe that isn't me.  Maybe I am better and rolling with the waves.  Maybe that is a cop out. 
I do realize that at some point I am going to have to start paddling.  I really do know this.  But, I think i am going to float along for a bit longer, allow my hands to lazily drag in the water and enjoy the sun on my face.  I have a lot of things coming at me fairly soon.  I feel it.  Maybe enjoying the gentle drift will be good while I still have it. This river below me is still restless from the storms and the silt is still blocking my view.  As it swirls and clears, though, I know that I am making progress.  I feel good, now.  I feel lighter.  I feel like I should probably bask in this instead of dwelling in the shadow that threatens the sun. 

As with all things, it won't last forever.