Fear, My Shield

I talked to her.
I am scared, amongst another hodge-podge of emotions. 

We spoke the other night on the phone and hit it off right away.  She talks a lot, which is good for me, because I don't really talk all that much.  She is funny.  She finds me funny.  We laughed deep belly laughs for nearly an hour of the conversation.  I was wheezing and snorting.  It felt good.  I have not laughed like that in a long time. 
She is crazy like me too.  She says what she is feeling and so do I.  She seems to feel things quickly, the way that I do.  I was afraid to tell her that I really wanted to talk to her again.  She said she had been afraid to say the same thing.  This was when we were talking on the phone again last night.  I will talk to her again tomorrow as well.  I have not met this woman, yet I feel a connection. 
This is why I am scared.

I fear that I will not be able to take things slowly, like I know that I need to.  But I am going to try.  I will listen to my heart, but heed the warnings in my head and follow the instinct in my gut.  I am not creating scenarios for our future and I am not wondering what it holds.  I am living in this moment, even as it passes by.  
I don't want the good feelings to be my drug.  I don't want the fear to rule my mind and chase me away.  I also don't want my heart to throw me headlong into something that I have idealized, but which does not exist.  I don't want love to be a projection of my romantic soul.  I would like to see it be what it is.  Then I can add some color with the help of that soul.

I am also afraid that I will meet her and my judgement will take over.  She will be too tall or too short or I won't like her brown eyes and hair or she might want to work out a bit more or will be too skinny.  I am afraid I won't be able to silence that voice. 

I wonder if these are the fears that everyone faces.  The only relationships that I have ever fostered started out as friends and then grew to something else.  This one is starting with the intention of finding something more than just friends.  It is an unfamiliar path.  This fear is a shield of sorts.  As long as it does not cover my eyes from what is good, it might save me from getting crushed again.  I just need to focus on keeping myself out of myself.
One of the benefits of working at keeping out of my head for this is that I have moments where I just enjoy the thought of this woman.  That is what I am going to strive for.  The moment.  Not the future.  I will also not let the past dull the shiny moments with fear. 

I use a lot of definite statements.  I am determined, or at least as determined as I can be.  She may just be a passing fad for me, as too many hearts are, but for now I am excited and buzzing about knowing her. 

There are a lot of mixed emotions swirling in my brain.  I would love to dump them out and paint a picture so I can get a better idea of what all of them are trying to tell me.  But for now I will have to settle for meditating on them as I can piece them together.  Then I make them into words and place them on here for random people to read, which I still don't understand. But I digress. 

Love is a leap.  A big scary leap with no parachute.