Too Many Cooks

It is obvious to me that I am not in a place for a relationship of any emotional quality.
I met up with the woman on Saturday night and had a really good time.  Even though I had initially picked her apart the moment I saw her, I didn't close myself off.  I wanted to give it an honest chance and I am glad I did, sort of.
She was as easy to talk to in person as she was on the phone.  She is ambitious and she is driven and she is aggressive.  I was set on "roll with it" that night, so when she took my hand, I let it be.
We laughed.  A lot.  We also drank a lot.  We also went back to hers.  We listened to some good music.  The night was good.

As I lay there, absorbing the moment and pondering the events of the night, I felt a familiar shortness of breath creep in.  My brain was chasing itself around and when it does that I can't even begin to keep up.  Here I was with a woman who was definitely in to me and I was not on the same page.  She is making plans for September.  I am barely making plans for tomorrow.  I can't help but to think that she is hoping for a real future and is planning for it in her head.  I know women do this, but how can I even think about planning for a future with someone when I am barely able to plan for my own future.  I am trying to live in the moment.  But overcoming the mountain of doubts and baggage that looms over me right now is a daunting task.  When I stop thinking about what she might be thinking, I am alright.  I had fun.  We had a good night out.  Do I feel an immense emotional connection to her?  No.  Do I like her?  Yes.  Is that enough?  For me it is.
So now I have the responsibility of calling her up and laying some of this stuff out.  I feel like a real ass.  I would imagine that is because I acted like that guy who does what I do.  I hate it when women don't tell me what they are feeling or thinking and I am left floundering around trying to figure it out.  I can't leave her like that.  She told me that I am responsible for her acting in a way she has never acted before.  She is a bit more outgoing around me.  If I am not mistaken, she is seeing that as a sign of some kind.  That is not good when I am not seeing the same signs.
The challenge of asking her what her mind is saying and telling her what mine is saying is no fun.  I hate the idea of possibly hurting someone.  I don't want to.  I really don't, but I find myself in this position again and again.  At what point do I learn?
I am not ready to be dating.

Emotionally I am still fucked.  The ex-wife is leaving and making plans and we are going to be having a talk later in the week.  I still cry from thoughts of her and memories and actions and all the shit that I have been wading in for too long.  I really want to get over it all.  I really do.  I just haven't done it yet.  I kick myself daily for the way things happened, but like my friend says, it is done.  I can't go back.  I can't change things.  I have to move on, and I am trying.  It is the part where I have to get over some emotional baggage that I am struggling with.
Living in the moment and trying to deal with my shit are two life concepts that butt heads.  At least in the way I am doing it.  Living in the moment says, "go out, have a drink, see what happens."  Dealing says, "don't be an ass.  You are not ready."  My brain and my heart and my gut are all at odds too. 
Too many cooks in the kitchen and I am burning again. 

So, now I have set myself up to have a talk with someone.  I don't know how that talk will go, exactly.  It is not a fun thing to tell someone that you are all fucked up in the head.  I had fun with her and would still like to spend time with her, just not in the way that she seems to be headed.  I guess it will play out as it plays out and I will have had another super awesome learning experience where I hurt someone. 
It is getting old. 
At some point the beatings will stop and I will have realized that I can't keep doing this shit.  When?  When will I listen to the words I have been reading?   I knew I was dense.  I know that it takes a long time for life to sink in for me.  I just can't seem to keep that from messing with others.  I think it is time to just get off the market.  Stay out of the dating scene.  Denounce sex, for a while.  Spend time with friends and myself.  When the time is right and the moons have aligned with the stars and the blah fucking blah astrology bullshit blah blah....

More simply put....someday.