Life is Stubborn

For a short time I believed that you should follow your heart.  Go where it leads you and find your bliss.  But my bliss does not lie in simply following my heart.  My heart is not that guide that takes me off to show me the cool stuff with little regard for safety.  "The heart has its reasons for which reason knows not."*  In a romantic and ideal world, this would be amazing.  I would follow love wherever it took me with no care for the hearts of others and would experience things that would be earth shattering.  But I can't live that way.  I tried.

In this world, simply following my heart has lead to shattering more than just my world.

The hurricane of consequence that follows is still wreaking havoc.  I have been healing and moving forward and rebuilding.  But I will never be the same, and I don't know if it is a good thing this time.  I will never know.  There are lessons I have learned and I have found things about myself that I would never have seen otherwise.  This is the positive, for what it is worth.

There is still a piece of my heart missing, though.  It may never return.  I don't know.

I have met someone that offers promise.  I have that to hold on to as I attempt to move back in to a world that has been shattered.  Part of me expected that nothing would have changed.  I could open the door and step inside to find things just as they were.  I am not so lucky.  Karma still has some work for me to do and I have no choice but to do it.
I am getting all that I asked for, all that I thought I needed.
Solve et Coagula
It's funny how we have no idea what we need for all of our ideas of what we want.

I have regrets now.  Where I would once say that I regret what I don't do more than what I do, I have no words.  I regret what I have done, I regret what I didn't do.  But none of that really matters.  I have only what I am doing now to think about if I hope to keep taking steps and strides.


I know that I can't live by my heart alone.  It isn't me.  I need the balance of heart and mind.  That is where my bliss lies.  As much as I would like to be that person who follows love with graceful abandonment, I am not him.  Anyone can tell you, I am not graceful.  I am that guy that follows love with stumbling awkwardness.  That is okay.  I know that I need to temper my passion with reflection.  That is my love.  That is my bliss.  The beginning anyway.

I am rebuilding at the same time that I am watching something new come to life.
No matter how many times I try to fuck it up, life keeps moving forward and I have no idea what will happen to the things outside of my control.  It's exciting and scary.  It's all life, though.  I guess it is important to remember that.
"If we focus on the waves, we lose sight of the ocean"*


*Blaise Pascal
*Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche