Anger and Love

I am angry.
It's not a quick fuse rage of throwing things and punching walls.  It's a slow burn in the pit of my chest.  It's kind of like love, but unpleasant and ugly.  It pulls me down instead of lifting me up.  Why does it live where love lives?  Could it be that anger and love are just passion with a different face, a change of clothes?  The best sex is the product of either a fight or a moment of unbridled love.  The best relationships live when love can be expressed as well as anger.  The ones that last the longest are fed when both are fostered healthily. 

I am angry.
The weight in my chest from the burden of unspoken memories.  Tears of frustration perch in the corner of my eyes.  This leashed scream that is crouched in my chest is the product of not saying the things that I want to say.  But how can I even contemplate always saying the things that I want to say when anger is the source?  I have no desire to hurt anyone.  I don't want to lash out in anger, to say things I will regret and possibly don't mean.  "Some words once spoken, can't be taken back".  Here is my fire.  Words that have been said that can't be taken back.  Words that burned me so deeply they still surface to peel off the scars that have begun to form.  I don't want to destroy people's lives, I want to get over it and move on, I know she has, I don't feel like a monster, I meant the love I felt, I pulled away because it had to be done, I know I played my part, but it is not all my fault. 
I hate that these words affect me like they do.
It all spins around my head.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me feel sorry for myself which pisses me off which makes me ashamed which makes me angry again and it is swirling like a storm.  A storm that feeds on everything else that I have said and done.  My screaming and my tears and my wallowing and my self pity and my denial and my suicide and my leaving and my apologies and holes left in walls and in hearts.  A maelstrom of bullshit.  A pressure that squeezes my heart threatening to bring me down in a hemorrhage of a past I can't change.  A pressure that leaves me in a state where I say shit like this. 

I am tired of the clouds behind the sun. 

I am tired. 
I am tired of mood swings and of this pathetic heart dripping self purging emo bullshit blogging full of self pity and woeful words that don't mean a fucking thing. 
This is life.  Life is suffering.  This is the first noble truth.  Life is suffering.  This is life. 

I really do need to lighten up and get over it. 
It really pisses me off that the best advice I have been given has been given by women who pissed me off. 
I can only shake my head and recognize the truth in it. 

I do need to lighten up.
I do need to get over it.
I know that the dwelling and the resurfacing continues to muddy the water.  I know that I need to move on.
I am just not entirely sure how.  How do I separate the love from the anger?