My Fickle Heart

My heart makes me crazy sometimes.
It wants what it wants and I am more and more unable to keep it on a leash as I believe I would like to.  I keep meeting women and then there is laughing and sometimes kissing and sometimes sex. I keep meeting these younger women and they are fresh and exciting and wonderful, full of life and promise.  I love life and promise.  But is that what I need? 
Is it possible that life sets the people in front of us, the experiences that open our eyes to what it is?  If you should have that person who fills your life, you will meet those people.  If life decides you need to be free and loose, you meet people who are free and loose.  It gives you skinny dipping and laughing and drinking and dancing in the rain and meeting new people and finding eyes to get lost in and smiles to wake up to and fingers playing with toes and new music and old songs that still stir your heart.  There is a part of me that wants to be with someone and to slow down a little.  Then I have a night out that is crazy and amazing and I no longer know that I want to slow down a little.  I am tired of sex.  I am tired of sweating nakedness and then being alone again.  There is still no room for love in my heart, but it would be nice to want to lie in bed and laugh and talk.  Isn't that kind of what life is about?  Those moments when you really feel connected to something? 
Sex has come to be something that people do.  Love is not sex.  Sex is sex.  Love is the moments between sex.  The gentle touch on the hand, the look, the right words.  Love is the unselfish giving.  Love is the desire to put someone else before you.  Love is the sacrifice freely given.  Love and sex together are something totally new. 

I met someone that sparked something for me.  She is wild and free and experienced with a brilliant smile and startling blue eyes.  She is a friend of a "friend".  I don't know if that is okay.  I am undecided.  I am confused.  I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I want to see her.  My heart wants me to be selfish.  The last time I was selfish the world cracked. 

I don't know. 

I used to think that we are all blowing around on a breeze.  Today I think I may have changed my mind.  I think we are floating on a river.  The current can take us where it wants, or we can paddle ourselves.  If we are sinking, we can choose to swim.....or not. 

It's all our choice. 
I can be selfish.  I can float along.  I can swim.  I won't sink.  Sinking sucks. 

This blog lost all focus and I am trying to tie it together. 
I am letting this one lie.