Tired of Sex?

I like sex.  But I have reached an odd point in my life. 
I am teetering in the edge of the boy who would fuck anyone with little concern for the consequences to a man who would kind of like the sex to mean something.  I am not getting all sappy and mushy about it.  I would just like to have sex with someone that I want to spend some time with and this is an odd sort of thing for me.  Done and on to the next one is becoming a bit passe for me and I don't quite have a grip on it. 

Married man friends of mine are a bit jealous of the freedom for my fucking.  They like my stories of being out and drinking and hook ups with younger women and blah blah blah.  It is fun.  I like it.  It is what I wanted for quite some time while I was married.  The freedom to go out and be out and fuck around and talk to girls and have sex, or not, and then they go home and you go to sleep and it is all just super.  And then you get up in the morning and watch tv while eating on the couch and you are naked still and maybe you sleep a bit more and then you take a shower or whatever and eventually you are out again to do it all over.  It's fun.  But it's empty. 

I am taking slow purposeful steps towards being in that state of mind where I want to be with someone on a level beyond horizontal.  It is scary, in many ways.  I have fucked up long term relationships and I don't want to be in that place again.  I have anxiety about women now.  After my last "thing" I am wary of women and the power they can hold over me.  I am keeping most girls at a distance and for good reason.  I am healing.  I am working it out working it through and getting somewhere.  I know what I don't want and am getting an idea on what I do want.  These are good things. 

I still miss the ex wife sometimes.  I still look back on the good times now.  I don't see the shitty things in the same way anymore.  I am moving forward.  Or at least trying. 

It feels like I am missing out on something but I don't know what.  I don't like to miss out on things.  I am going to try to take more risks.  I am going to tell people I like them and thank you for being my friend and I  love you and it's a nice day, why not go to the beach.  I am going to go to the beach more.  Write more.  Talk more.  Sleep more.  Laugh more.  Accept more. 

I could be hit by a car tomorrow or get diagnosed with terminal something or other.  What would I have?  My life is like meaningless sex.  It has been fun and sometimes a bit risky.  It has involved excuses to get women out the door.  It has some good stories.  It is missing something deeper, though.  That thing is in me.  I have to find it.  It is already there.  I just have to find it. 

I am calling a woman tomorrow.  She seems nice in emails and I have seen some pictures and she is cute.  I am scared.  I am scared that she will like me more than I like her or that I will like her more than she will like me or that I will just like her and want to spend time with her.  The last may be the worst one.  But love is a leap.  I suppose that means that life is a leap as well.  Like this bridge I jumped off in Michigan with this chick Katie Shae.  50 feet up with a river that held any number of dangers underneath.  I jumped.  I liked it so much, I did it again. 

I am back there again.  50 feet up, ready to jump into swirling waters.