I find myself watching a lot of chick flicks. I think I might be turning into a woman. The mindless entertainment filled with promise is comforting. There is always a happy ending and the predictability of this ending is almost like coming home. You always know what you are about to find when you walk through the door. I think that sense of home is something that I miss.
I used to walk through the side door and would be greeted by a dog or cat. I would always hang my keys and I always knew that I was home. I knew my wife would be on the couch or in the dining room working on the computer. The routine was a comfort and a burden.
I am a creature of routine. It is safe.
At the same time, I rebel from it. I get bored with it. I need something new to be thrown in the mix or I get stale. Because of this, I have sabotaged relationships. I don't believe I am the only person to do this. I suppose we all get a moment of restlessness where we are tempted to throw something new in the pot. The difference comes when we decide what to do with this.
When I was married, I was a child. When things were scary or hard I would run. It's easier to run. It's easier to not care. I like the easy road. I have almost always taken it. When I left my wife, I thought I was taking the easy road.
I wasn't.
I took the easy road when I married her.
I would imagine that a lot of people find marriage to be the hard path. It's not really that hard when you keep everyone at a distance. I always had something or another that I wouldn't let her in on. I always had control of the relationship because I never let her in, not fully. As I look back on it, I don't think she did either. I was scared of being hurt. When you care, you give someone the ability to hurt you.
Before my wife, I knew a couple of girls. They were both beautiful and funny and smart and sexy. They both seemed to care about me. One girl, Jill, was what I believed to be perfect.
I met her in Cancun 3 years prior to really getting to know her. My romantic heart was in bliss. The story itself was worth writing home about. A guy meets up with a girl he met briefly in Cancun and they fall in love. It might not have been love, but it was something. I offered to move to Michigan to be with her. I told her all my secrets and stories and she still wanted to be with me. When we kissed, our lips were the only lips in the world. We went to weddings together and when we danced we fit together. Two parts of one moment. I will never forget one night together.
We had been to a friend's wedding. We ate and laughed and danced and talked and I would look at her and lose myself. The wedding ended, we returned to the hotel room. She and I never had sex. But we took care of each other. Another skill of hers was more intimate. She took care of me twice that night. The second time, I felt the orgasm in my toes. I told her. She laughed. We showered together. She taught me to love showers. I still shower head to toe because she said it made sense to do it that way. I still love to shower with a woman too.
As we lie on the bed together, clean and dry, I lay on her with my head on her chest listening to her heart beat. I told her that there was no where in the world I wanted to be. I was completely vulnerable to her.
After that weekend I told her I would move to be with her.
I went to visit her.
She was cold to me. I was there a week and she had planned tutoring sessions for the days and I would be alone. When she would return, I knew she wasn't there - not like she used to be. We had a fight. I left on Sunday. I never heard her voice again.
After her, I shut down. I fucked a lot of women. I hurt a lot of women, but I was safe.
The next girl I opened myself to broke my heart all over again.
We worked together. We started to hang out. I was blown away that a woman as beautiful as her would want to be with me. Guys were jealous of me.
She and I clicked. It was easy to be with her. We drove to a barbecue together once and she was on the phone with her mother and I was driving and the sun was out and it was warm and it felt like that was where I was supposed to be.
Two weeks later we were at a bar celebrating a friend's birthday. I was talking with a friend, watching people play darts. I turned around and she was sitting with her ex boyfriend talking. She looked at me and smiled. I felt good. I went to offer her another drink and she was holding his hand.
I left. Instead of dumping my drink over her head and smashing the bottle on his, I left.
I began to protect myself after that. I held back enough so that I was safe, but people felt like I was letting them in. I did that to my wife. I never opened myself to her because I was scared. The heart break that I felt had shut me down. I was weak. I was selfish. I loved her and could have loved her more if I had completely opened myself to her. I should have been vulnerable. For a relationship to work, you have to be vulnerable. You might get hurt. Your heart might feel like it was ripped from your chest and left bleeding as you gasp for breath. Then again, you might be happy.
I was ready to open myself to the new girl. I did open myself to her. That is why I am still hurt after such a short time knowing her. She reminded me of why I shut down. She showed me what I had been doing wrong in my marriage. I can thank her for that.
It hurts that she wasn't curled under my arm as I watched a sappy chick flick tonight. I wanted nothing more than that. So I wait again for someone that I want to cuddle under my arm.
I will have it someday. Life always deals a new hand.
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