Middle Child Syndrome

I have begun to wonder if I have to have drama in my life.  Maybe that is why my marriage would never work.  I was actually content and feeling normal.  I had a dog and a cat and a house and a wife and was planning for kids in a few years.  Now I have.....nothing.  In some sense the nothing I have now is better than what I was in the middle not too long ago, but now I almost miss the....adrenaline, maybe.....of that time.  There was constant drama and texts and talking and sex and stuff all the time.  It was a fucked up roller coaster ride that I should have gotten off way earlier, but I didn't.  Maybe I didn't because in some sick way I was enjoying it.  If nothing else, I was always getting attention. 
Now I am not getting attention.
Now I am missing the attention I was getting no matter how bad it was.
This may be why I am so crushed by this new girl backing off the way she is.  I don't even know that that is what she is doing, but what she is doing is not what I was experiencing for the past 10+ months.  I don't really know what to do with it. 
This may be why I want a cat.

Why do we create situations that aren't there? 
Isn't there enough stuff in the real world to make life a challenge without the mental creations of an insecure mind? 
In the past month or so, I feel like I have been making a lot of progress within my silly and confusing self.  But I still find myself slipping into certain patterns that are self defeating and starting to piss me off.  I am not sure what to do about it.  Sometimes I contemplate drugs to make myself more level and so that I feel more socially acceptable, whatever the fuck that really means.  But then, I feel like that would just be squashing me for who I am.  In some ways this might be better than being lost in the twisting and often circular paths that prevail in my mind. 
Maybe I would stop creating situations in my head that aren't really there.  Maybe I would get the fuck out of my head.  Maybe I would become Buddhist.  At least then I could just meditate and find myself and do daily chores and eat and meditate and shave my head and wear orange without fear of social repercussions.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about days like today where I feel like everything I say is just insane. 
My brain is a scrambled egg today.

It might be best if I avoid human contact today.
I am just going to say stupid shit.