I can't stop thinking about her today. In the back of my mind she sits awaiting my attention. Her smile, her laugh, her icy blue eyes. Maybe it's just loneliness setting in again. I really don't know why I think about her as often as I do. I am getting sick of myself.
I wanted to write about something significant, something somewhat interesting, but she won't allow me to give attention to any other details of my day or my life. She was with me at work and she has come home with me. I imagine I will be getting in to bed with her too.
I am wondering if her presence might be due to my talk with the ex wife yesterday. We talked about her plans and her move and her new man. She has been able to find a new man. I am not angry or upset, a little sad, yes. I am also envious. Envious that her life is turning out to be full of some really good things. I know that it is because she is driven and ambitious and has done the things she needed to do to get those things. She made that choice.
I chose a much different route.
I am still choosing to base my life off of something other than what I want it to become. I am basing it off of some magic relationship that may or may not even exist. I am still living some dream inside my head instead of living the life in front of me. Lost in this fucked up blackened existence, I don't see the people that love me and care for me. I only see the things that I don't have. A person can't feel blessed if they turn their back on things they are blessed with.
I can't seem to see those things. The family and friends that care for me and are there for me are important and are what life is made of, but I choose to turn away.
I keep thinking that if I the new girl would just call me, it would all be fine. I would feel better and things would be exactly how I want them to be. And they would be, for a time. The problem with basing your life off of others is like building your house of straw or brick. Any bad wolf can turn your house of straw to nothing. If you create a life built around your efforts and your work, only you can knock that down.
That was a horrible analogy.
My mother said that it was important to just keep doing what I enjoy and to just keep going. I guess that is all we can do. Just keep going. Life goes on. It doesn't stop for those of us who choose to get lost in the muck and mire of life.
Just keep going. Life goes on.
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