Scared Little Boy

The morning seems to be the time of day when thoughts no longer creep around, but rear their ugly head and scream at me.  Usually, it's right when I wake up.  This morning I woke up and thoughts of the new girl were rolling around my head.  They were different kinds of thoughts, though.  Not so much the heart broken pathetic bullshit I have been thinking.  This time it was more of a confident "she wasn't telling me the whole truth" kind of thing. 

I am pretty sure she wasn't. 

That hurts....a lot.  It means that, once again, I have placed expectations on another person.  I believed her to be something she was not.  In this case, I believed that she would tell me the whole story.  I believed that she was not a person who would bullshit me. 

I think I place women on a pedestal when I meet them.  They can do no wrong, even if they are doing wrong.  This hurts, because when a woman does something to hurt me I won't always see it.  I am so blinded by what I want her to be or what I want that relationship to be that I can't see what is actually happening.  I did the same thing with the other relationship I have recently gotten out of. 
I don't really know what I wanted that relationship to be, but it wasn't that.  It was bad and hurtful and no good for anyone.  It was a drug.  I would get a taste and fall back into the cycle of arguments and bad feelings that threatened to tear me apart.  Getting out of that was a good thing for me.  I would imagine it was good for her too. 
She asked me if I was scared of her.
I am.  I really am.  I know that it sounds ridiculous, but she had a power of me that I can't explain.  When I was with her I was out of control of everything in my life.  It was not a good thing.  She had the ability to make me feel better than I have ever felt.  When I was with her, I also felt a darkness inside me.  I have never really been suicidal before.  I have never felt a need to drink to drown sorrows.  I have never cried every day for weeks at a time.  I have never screamed at someone.
I know that those things were not her fault.....but I blame her on some level.  Some of those things happened because I was with her. 
On the surface, she and I did well together.  We could talk and cry on each other.  We could have a good laugh and enjoy getting shitfaced.  We could fuck like the world was ending. 
When it got deeper, though, the emptiness inside both of us seemed to consume us. 

I will not go back there.  I won't even tempt it.

I think I have come to a conclusion.  I have figured out what every other person that knows me has known for quite a while.  I should not be in a relationship of any type right now. 

I need to chill the fuck out and just be.

The impact that the new girl had on me might be a sign that my little heart is still fucked and needs time.  The hardest part will be the loneliness.  Those are the times when I am most vulnerable.  I have never been alone before.  I have always lived with friends or family.  But I have been thinking that it would be good for me to do something scary as often as I can.  This is scary.

But I have a plan. 

I have been blessed with friends and family.  Despite all the stupid shit I have been doing, they still love me.  To take them for granted would be the dumbest thing I could do.  If any of them read this blog, thanks.  I wish text on a white screen could relay how much I mean that.