Feeling Stuff Sucks

This feeling thing is a double edged sword. 
For years I had learned to shove things down in order to appear uncaring or nonchalant.  It was easy that way.  I didn't care, on the surface anyway, and it meant that I could not be hurt.  At the same time, it meant that I couldn't really feel anything else either.  I couldn't really care about anything or love anything or hate anything or feel anything at all.  I shoved so many emotions down for so long that it all became a swirl of shit.  Even the good stuff was no longer so good because I dumbed it down in order to protect myself. 
I think this is why I allow myself to get bored so easily.  By moving from one thing to the next at any whim I am not really dedicated to any one thing.  I don't really have to care about anything.  I play volleyball in the summer.  I am okay.  I have good games and bad games.  Because I don't really care about playing, I know that I will have something new after the summer season, when I lose or have a bad game it doesn't hurt me as much. It also means that I may never really experience the joy of winning. 
This is the same for women.  In the past I would move from woman to woman without allowing myself to really feel for them.  They couldn't hurt me and I didn't care enough about them to care if I hurt them either. 

I was unfeeling. 
I was happy.  Or perhaps blissful in my unfeeling. 

I went into my marriage this way.  With walls up and feelings blocked and lying to myself that I was okay with it. 
When the walls came crashing down, all of the feelings came rushing out leading me to a year of the worst depression I have ever been in.  I was crying and screaming and suicidal and hateful and black and miserable...but I was feeling.  I was feeling all of it. 
I am still feeling. 
I feel happiness, not very often, but I feel it.  When I do it is something different.  It is more than just a smile.  It is a leaping from inside. 
I also feel loss.  I have had quite a bit of that and I feel it deeply.  I have been having a hard time putting the walls back up.  Thanks to this inability to protect myself, things that hurt hurt deeply.  The new girl's rejection still hurts me because I feel now.  When she was around I was elated.  I felt alive and wonderful and sunshine and like it was all worth it. 

So feeling stuff now has all of these extremes.  I am either leaping from my skin or crawling in a hole.  Finding the balance is a whole new challenge.  It seems to be all or nothing for me right now and that is not a bad thing, but it is difficult.  With all of the amazing things that I can feel, I can also feel all of the hurtful things, those things that forced me to put up my walls in the first place. 
I can also feel hope.  Hope that this whole feeling thing will allow me to feel something good soon.  I think Karma may still have some work to do, but when it is done there has got to be some good stuff.  With this whole thing where I allow myself to feel the things that come up I would like to think that I will have something more to feel than just the loss of the things I want. 

I am pretty excited about it, to be honest.