Have I lost my mind?
I can't sleep. I wake up and I think about her and I go to sleep and I think about her and when I am watching TV I am thinking about her and I can't fucking stop and it is making me insane. I have it in my head that I should call her. I should say the things that are on my mind and heart and just lay it out for her. I am not talking about love I am talking about seeing if there is something there. I have only been like this once before where I wanted a woman so badly and she wasn't ready and I just let it go. It still fucks with me today. Is this the same kind of thing. Is this a second chance at having that something or is it just a figment of my lonely heart?
I can't explain why I have this hole in my chest right now. I have not even known her for a month and I am all fucked up about her. I want to talk to her.
I am scared.
I am scared that she will think me crazy. I am scared that I am crazy. I am scared that she will reject me and I am scared that she won't and then I will fall back into my pattern of not wanting what I have.
But what if I don't try and I lose the chance?
So then comes the question of how to do it. If I go to her house, is that weird? Should I call and ask to see her? If she says no, then at least I know. At least I tried. I have to ask.
But is that insensitive? Is that not caring about what she needs?
She said she needs some time to sort things out for herself. After the things I have been through in the past year, I should be able to understand that better than anyone. Do I want to be the one denying her the time she needs to heal and to sort her head out? Absolutely not. That time can be the most important thing a person can have.
So, what do I do?
I have no answers here except what my heart is telling me to do. It is screaming at me to talk to her. But I am scared. I am scared of a lot of things. Is that fear something I should listen to, or should I say fuck it and do what this ridiculous voice in my head is telling me to do?
Romantic fantasy. That's all it is. Right?
What the hell is wrong with my head?
I think I have lost it. I really do.
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