Biking Through Storms

It is amazing to think how we change.  Life is constantly evolving and moving and we are moving with it moment to moment.  How often, though, do we really notice all the stuff around us as it is happening?  How often do we see ourselves changing?  I have a tattoo, somewhat recent, that reads "this is water".  The story goes that two fish are swimming along and an older fish swims past, stops and nods and smiles and says, "Hey boys.  How's the water?"  The fish part ways and swim along.  The two younger fish stop after a bit and one says to the other, "What the hell is water?"  I stole, or borrowed depending on how liberally you look at it, from David Foster Wallace.
Everyday, all around us, life is happening.  We are growing and feeling and eating and breathing and loving and smiling and laughing and living, and we forget this.  As a society, I notice a lot of us only seeing the sad things and focusing on them.  I do it.  I think we all do.  We glance at the smile we get at the store, or the person holding a door for us, or the hug from a friend who loves us, or the supporting hands that help us everyday.  We only glance and move on.  Then we turn and stare at the love lost, how we don't have any money, the way we aren't what we thought we would be.  These are the photos in our mind.  The pictures of good times sit in albums tucked away in a closet. 
Perhaps we focus on the bad times, the storms in our lives, because they have the biggest impact on us.  They change us the most drastically in a short period of time.  I know that a few years ago (it is amazing that is how long ago it was) I was in a place I would never wish on anyone.  It was impossible to think of how life was outside of that darkness.  But I survived it and have grown and changed and matured. 
I am doing things I might not have ever done.  I am stronger in some ways, weaker in others, but I am changed. 
The good times don't alter us in the same way.  Those times change us slowly and are more like a gentle polish that makes us brighter.  A rock can be carved away by a raging rapid but made smooth by a flowing stream.  Perhaps the rapids come along when life grows tired of gently tugging us along, because like rocks we can be stubborn.  The storms, the raging rivers, are the unsubtle ways of getting us somewhere.  I am not a huge believer in fate and perhaps I am only trying to make sense of something that is hard to understand, but I believe that paths are presented to us and sometimes we dilly-dally a bit too long deciding which way to go instead of just living in the moment and taking the steps in one direction or another.  Eventually something has to happen. 
Einstein said that life is like riding a bicycle.  You have to keep moving to maintain a balance.  I think it would be good to ride life like that, the wind in your face, the ground below you a blur of grass and stone, and a focus on what is around us right now so we can see the rocks in the road and keep moving with joyous intensity.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

—	Haruki Murakami

Fearing in Love

I find myself falling in love. 
This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply.  Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people.  There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance.  Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if".  Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet.  Fear holds me back.  I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy.  I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me.  Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending.  What if she does not return the sentiment?  What then?  What do I do?  I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back."  Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back?  Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return?  Yes it should.  My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term.  I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart. 

It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation.  Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart.  When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love.  When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field.  With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free.  There is always a string attached to some fear.  That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back.  It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.

For now, just loving is my aim.  Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it.  Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel.  If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her?  Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear. 
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking. 

I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably.  But the ego pulls it back and questions it.  The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself. 

I do believe that I will say it.  I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot.  I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful.  It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought. 
For all I know, this love could be awesome.

"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Subliminal Mad Man

There are mornings I wake up and can hear that negative voice in my head right away.  When he is there, I know that it will be a struggle to keep myself in a good space.  If I let that negativity win, it will be days before I am out of the hole that I will dig.  But I know that I have a choice. 
On those mornings when I wake up and he is there, whispering to me bits of advice or hints of insight into the workings of others who are out to get me, I can choose to listen and accept.  If I choose this path, I feel strong because I am able to know what others are thinking.  I am able to protect myself from the evil inclinations of everyone around me.  I have myself to protect myself and I can cut the rest of the world off so that they can't get to me.  Then I begin to feel alone.  I lose myself in the swirl of thoughts that run a rampant circle around my mind.  The sky goes dark, the storm opens up and I am buried.  Depression is my name. 
Days will pass until I can see a hint of something good.  Then I struggle to drag myself out of the hole that I am buried in.  I will spend the next few days just trying to feel happy again, only to wake one morning to the same choice.
I choose not to blindly accept the rantings of that mad man, I know that I will have a struggle that day, but it will be a struggle for something great.  Because I had chosen to listen to that voice for so long, his words are powerful and shake my foundling foundation with reverberating negativity.  The clouds threaten outside my windows, but I am safely inside.  The louder claps of thunder scare me as they shake the walls, threatening the integrity.  But I am safely inside.  When a leak starts, I plug the hole.  If the wind blows open a door, I close it.  Then I sit and breathe and wait out the storm.  By not succumbing to the negativity of the storm, I learn from it.  I learn what needs to be tied down and secured and what will cause the house to shake the hardest.  I learn what I need to do to keep that storm at bay.  I learn to live right Now.

I choose this path today.

I have grown tired of feeling the anxiety and depression that comes around once a week, it seems, and tries to get in.  I choose to stop creating problems that do not exist.  I choose to be positive and unaffected by the rantings of a subliminal mad man.  If I am being honest, I know that I will hear his voice.  I can either listen and believe or not.
I have read that it is best to stay positive when this kind of thing happens.  Don't ignore it, make friends with it.  Laugh when the voice tells you all is doomed and you don't deserve to be happy.  We are not the voice in our heads. 
I know that today will be a struggle for me.  I will have to try to stay above the water and keep positive and smiling.  Today, my smile will be the source of my joy so that tomorrow my joy can be the source of my smile.


“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of the Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, and the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem-making.”

—	Eckhart Tolle

Rearview Mirror Master

I need control.

I read that and am blown away.  It is very possible that people who know me are not as surprised as I am, but this is really a shock.  For a long time I have believed myself to be laid back and pretty chill about all things.  I was, for a time, and still am on some fronts.  On others, not so much.
This need has been discovered during my reading and exploration of the spiritual things to which I am inclined nowadays (specifically this one which I just read - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3986/10-Things-to-Remind-Yourself-on-a-Daily-Basis.html).  A repeated mantra in most manuals and texts of higher happiness is to stop trying to control everything.  There are things in this world over which you have no control.  The only thing you do have a direct line to is yourself.
For me, it is relationships (this is obvious to anyone that has read this blog).  I never thought it true, but I have a need to control the outcomes of relationships.  I am like a director trying to control the action on screen and the emotion of the actors involved.  I want to know what they are feeling in the moment instead of allowing the space for exploration and organic involvement.  I would hate it if someone did this to me, so how can I allow myself to do it to others and to myself!?! 
I said I never thought it true, but it is more like I have never admitted it to be true, especially to me.  

I can't help but believe that my control issues stem from past hurt, but where else would it come from?  I tend to live in the past, so I fear repeating moments that were difficult and attempt to steer myself and everyone involved away from them.  In actuality, I am probably steering everyone right over the cliff myself since I am too busy checking the rear view mirror and not enjoying the road in front of me.
I need to turn my attention to what is in front of me in that moment.  Then I can just enjoy it all instead of worrying and stressing and being all around not awesome.  I need to find a reminder to do this.

When you think about, a lot of bad things can happen that you have no control over.  Attempting to control them changes little about the controlee but can have drastic effects on the would-be controller.  The other thing is, whatever happens won't be as bad as you believe it will be.  It feels like it when you try to predict the outcome (another issue of mine), but you will wake up and laugh and feel good again.
How you feel, how you react, that is something you can control. 

I wrote a blog a while back where I wondered how to let go.  I think I know how to let go, but in doing so I am losing control.  If I hold on to it there is a feeling of control that doesn't really exist.  Those things control me.  When I am trying to control my feelings or the feelings of someone else, those things are controlling me.  Much like the way Buddhist thought states that we can not be something with out that something being us, I can not control something without it controlling me.  By letting them go, that control is broken.

By letting go, I gain control.

To some this may be common sense.  To me, it is a revelation.  I know that I have to let go and perhaps this blog has opened my eyes to a reason I struggle with it.  When I tell myself to let go there is a sadness alongside the feeling of being free.  I think the sadness comes from the empty space where that thing was.  There is a hole now.  What I need to realize is that that space can be filled with something awesome instead of the non-awesome thing that was there. 

It would be nice to be full of awesome.

Your Child's Voice

It is a challenge to change the way we live or think or act.  Years of conditioning to feel a certain way do not melt away easily.  But, sometimes their is a voice that lies within us that is a whisper at first and it grows in volume as you subconsciously hear its message and begin to listen.  Much like the voice of a child speaking wisdom in a room full of adults, that voice is often overlooked.  It is too hard to hear and may sound silly.  If you listen, though, you will hear wisdom. 
The voice is telling you to change and offers paths and ideas and motivation towards a better version of you.  In my case, this voice has been there for a long time.  But, like an adult too often treats the child, I smiled and went back to the way I was going.  I listened, and unfortunately still do, to the old, familiar voice that had led me for so long. 
It is a great challenge to redirect out attention to something new and to then follow it.  We are comfortable in our easy chairs no matter how much we hear about the benefits of exercise.  There is ease in following the familiar path no matter how much it hurts our feet.  Pain becomes numbed.  I remember thinking for so long that we should suffer for our happiness otherwise it means nothing.  I don't know where I got that from.  I tend to think that religion planted that seed, but maybe not.  But if we are suffering, how can we be happy? 

My "child's voice" has been telling me about Buddhism and meditation and yoga for quite a few years.  Since I tend to be lazy and a creature of habit, I have never really done much about it.  Within the last 6 months or so, however, I have started listening.  Books have come into my life, I found tumblr where there is a huge community of people in the same kind of place I am and people who offer insight to get to a better place, and I have begun to find ways to do yoga.  It is a strange thing when you start to hear that voice and begin to really listen.
When I am practicing this "new" stuff for a while, I find a greater sense of happiness and peace with myself.  Because of this, I have to believe that I already know what to do.  I just have a hard time consistently doing it.  I get swallowed up in the old familiar ways that are so ingrained I don't have to think about them anymore.  Changing myself is hard.  Not changing is easy, more or less.  Not changing is also the road to nowhere.  
A difficulty, for me anyway, is to keep that voice from getting lost amidst the din of all the old voices.  They are like addicts for your attention.  When you turn away for the sound of a different voice, they scream louder and louder and louder to get you to come back to them.  It is a challenge to silence them and return the focus to better things.  It is a challenge to keep that child's voice from getting lost again.  It is even more challenging to get it back when you lose it because those old, familiar sounds are louder each time you come back.  

One thing that I have learned is to identify the things you are doing so you know why you do them.  I struggle with anxiety and paranoia when it comes to relationships.  I tend to struggle more when I am tired.  My walls are weak and the smallest things can push me over the edge and once I start falling, it is slogging through waist deep mud to find the shore.  So I know that I need to sleep more.  This is a very simplified example, I suppose, but you get the point.  When you listen to yourself, you will see that you have answers already.  The next step is to keep yourself from over thinking those answers........

Passing Good Investments

I have a shameful confession to make.
I read the following quote and realized something.....

"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions."
     - Anaïs Nin

If I think someone is going to be gone (not dead, but out of my life in some way) I would prefer that they would just leave so I can move on.  I don't want the waiting and anticipating of that event.  I want it done.  I feel like this is something about myself that I should change.  It is also something that brings a lot of insight into something that has been bothering me. 

Yesterday, I wrote about trust issues.  Last night, I talked about trust issues.  She asked me why it mattered what "might be".  I didn't really know how to answer that. 
I think I know now. 
I get all ruffled about cheating and not knowing because if it is happening, I want to know so I can get out.  I don't want to waste my time.  That outweighs all the other stuff that would come with that kind of betrayal.  I wasted my time.  I guess my view of time has changed a bit.  As I get older I begin to see that it slips away rather quickly and as it slips away, I want to know that I am spending it as best I can.  I don't want to waste it on someone else that I will find had been sneaking around on me.  And the I realize that by worrying about that, by focusing on what might be, I am missing out on what is.  This is also a massive waste of time. 
Last night, my girlfriend said that I was missing out on a lot of great stuff by worrying about hypothetical situations.  She is very right. 

If you are like me, you focus on the bad stuff too often.  If you are like me, you are missing out on some really good stuff.  This is sad.  I think that the kick in the pants for not treating people and situations as if they might not be around tomorrow is that you end up missing out on really good stuff now.  That is the trade off an it is not evenly sided.  It's like missing out on a great investment because you got screwed by Madoff.

Last night, after we had talked, I vowed to make that change.  I am making it.  I am also changing my mindset about people.  I will no longer push them out the door when they say they are going.  I will enjoy them while I have them, up until the moment they leave through whichever door they use. 

Obstacle/Path Enigma

I think a lot of religion/spirituality/motivational writings include a version of the belief that everything that you experience is for a reason.  Since all things are learning experiences, I suppose this is true.  Within this vein of thought, I am currently swimming, or maybe splashing about in a seizure-like dog paddle.  My challenge is, and may be for a long time, trust.  I know that I write about this fairly frequently as of late and that is because it is almost number one on the list of things that keeps me awake at night or that draws my focus during the day.

These trust issues come from a past place, both distant and recent.  I have a hard time trusting my girlfriend because of things she did and things that happened way before she came in to my life.  I wonder if these things will carry on in to every relationship I am in.  This thought has kept me from running.  If the issues are inside me, independent of the person I am with, then the problem is in me and I can't escape it.  I can only deal with it.
But how?

I have been trying meditation.  I work daily to be in the moment and to live with a clear head that is present.  When I find myself meditation regularly, much of the noise of daily thoughts clears up and leaves behind the deep level of noise.  This is where my anxiety and paranoia live.  They are much harder to quiet down.  This is when I begin to question everything in my relationship.  This is when my heart goes into the grip of depression.  This is when said relationship suffers, at least on my end, because I begin to wonder if it is worth it.  Part of me recognizes that, because this seems to be a constant issue, I should just move on.  But I believe that this woman holds something great for me.  I feel it in my gut.  I don't want to toss it away until I am feel differently.  Writing that makes me question it, but that is not the point here.

Once upon a time, I was a guy who trusted first and questioned later.  I am now the opposite, so when I give my trust but find it challenged, I don't know how to deal with that.  How do I build that trust up again?
It is within this question that my learning experience, that my "thing that happens for a reason" lies.  If I can get over this, I have learned something valuable and have strengthened a relationship.  If I can't, well, I don't know what.

I suppose it is all about communication.  Talking it out would be best.  It is in that that I find fear.  Fear that bringing it up will break us up.  Once again, fear rears its ugly head.  I wonder if that is the reason to do it, because if nothing else, I will have faced something I am afraid of.

I have no answer right now.  Maybe I just needed to write this out to see it from another angle.

"The obstacle is the path"
       - Zen proverb

This was posted on http://lazyyogi.org today.  Kind of fitting.
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

—	Ernest Hemingway

(edited 11/01/12)

My Friend Paranoia

I have said before that I spend quite a bit of time expecting that my relationships will go sour.  It is based on experiences that I struggle to let go of and on my subconscious desire to be dramatic and cynical, two qualities with which I also struggle to let go of.   There is also a part of me, I think, that kind of wants there to be something wrong.  It's kind of sick.  I have begun to wonder if my difficulty in letting this stuff go lies in the comfort of the familiar.  I don't know what to do with a relationship that is good and might not actually go bad.  Paranoia is often the result.  

Paranoia is defined as intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal.  The feelings can stem from any number of causes and people suffering from paranoid disorders are often mistrustful, defensive and have a preoccupation with hidden motives.  Boy, does this define my feelings sometimes.  I am not trying to say that I have a disorder on any clinical level, but I can relate. 

Because I hold on to the things that have happened to past relationship, both of my doing and the stuff that was out of my control, I have a deeply rooted belief that any relationship will go bad.  I look for it.  I wait for it.  I expect it.  

This is probably pretty normal behavior.  People get hurt all the time and some just move on and keep going and others dwell and hold on.  When a relationship meant something, that is when we hold on the tightest.  Those are the ones that are the hardest to let go of.  We remember talking for hours with conversations that take no effort; lying in bed for a day with no desire to be anywhere else; the feelings of acceptance and happiness and contentment from that one person.  We also remember the hurt, the rejection, the guilt, the betrayal, and all the bad stuff that comes when the whole thing falls apart.  

The pain and the hurt comes from the attachment to that person.  We lose them and feel as if we have lost everything.  We attach our happiness to them.  This leads to those days or weeks or months when we don't want to get out of bed, or we are hit with a wave of nostalgia that nearly knocks us off our feet, or when wine becomes a best friend while watching movies on the couch with a cat in the dark.  Holding on to that stuff is what brings the suffering into every other relationship we get into, and I hold on with white knuckles, man.

I carry that stuff around like a shield that weighs me down.  Instead of helping me, it is like a magnet that attracts and holds on to all the negative shit until I can barely hold it.  It shields me from the good stuff so that things won't hurt as badly.  What things?  Depends on what things my mind is making up at the time.  These are the things that keeps me up at night at tightening their grip around my chest.  They are the things I need to drop to lighten my load on this journey I am on.  They are the things I am familiar with, the things I wear like a sodden blanket that I pretend keeps me warm.  I wear them because I am scared and uncertain and lack control over what I do not know.  I know how to handle the pain and the rejection and the guilt.  I have been shouldering them for a long time.  I usually put them on by choice.  

I don't want to make that choice anymore.  I don't want to feel that way or deal with those things, yet I fight myself when I get comfortable.  It is in those moments that I feel the most comfort with someone that I begin to fight them in my head.  My imagination takes off and my paranoia and anxiety grab the reigns.  

There is comfort in my current relationship.  Maybe that is why those fuckers are trying to take hold and drag me down into the shit again.  They don't want us to be happy.  They fight us all the way.  They are like the friends you have had for a long time that you have grown out of, but can't leave because you know them so well.  

But I am getting bored of them.  

I need some new friends.  

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Watching the Avalanche

In an attempt to beat my mind to the punch, I am going to try and lay out my process before it takes over.  I hope that by seeing how my mind fosters anxiety and paranoia, I can stop it before it is too late and I am dragged down into the dark hole of my stupid depression.

Talking to a friend today, I learned that iPhones hold all messages from people unless you delete them.  This ties in to my paranoia about my girlfriend and her iPhone and her ex boyfriends that she talks to and I begin to wonder about what she says to them.
I then begin to think about looking at her messages to find out.
After attempts to shove this ridiculous thought aside, it becomes apparent that paranoia has begun to creep in. 
I then think about the last person I was with who had an iPhone and the messages she used to receive while we were together.
I then remind myself that my girlfriend is not like that, but the seed has been planted.
I try to avoid watching the budding of this new thought.  That avoidance sparks the thought that I should not avoid these thoughts.  I should look at them and recognize them and then let them go.  So, I try that.  It doesn't work as I think it should.  This leads to the suffering often accompanying the resistance to 'how things are' when you want them to be a different way.
I then worry that I am just pushing it all down and am not growing at all.  I think about all of the times that I shoved thoughts down when I should have dealt with them.
I am now thinking about my ex-wife.
I now have the paranoia/anxiety, negative memories of a past love, guilt for wanting to read my girlfriend's texts, worry that I am not getting better, and thoughts of my ex-wife piling in on top of me.
But it is not over.
I begin to think about my trust issues.  Those issues are projected onto my current relationship.  Thoughts of breaking up with my girlfriend loom because how can I date someone I can't trust.  The trust issues are mine, however, not hers.  She has done what she can to alleviate them.
Now, thoughts of defeat set in.
I have been doing so well for the past week.  I have talked about things that have bothered me.  I have meditated.  I have read and sought enlightenment.  Now it is falling back again.  For every two steps forward, there is a step back.  It is like slogging through mud that was drowning me and ever time I get my nose out to breathe, my head is pulled back in.

I feel buried and overwhelmed.  I feel the constricting on my heart.  My thoughts are racing.  The bull is loose and I can't catch the reigns. 
I get so tired and frustrated with myself and this only adds to it.  I am not sure how to stop and it is so tiring sometimes.  Part of me wants to just let go and just let my head go under.  I get tired of swimming.

Part of my struggle, I believe, is that I want myself to be a certain way.  I want to be better and to be strong.  I want to be able to see these things and not have them bother me.  I want, I want, I want.  Perhaps it would be better if I just acknowledged that this stuff bothers me and see it as part of who I am now.  I get tired because I am fighting like a lightweight against a heavyweight.  I am trying to be a boxer when I have never been in a fight.  Maybe the Tai Chi method would be better.  Flow with the fight.  Use the other person's momentum as defense.
In other words, don't try to hold off the avalanche with my bare hands.  I can see it coming.  I can often see the tree that I can climb to safety and watch the mud and dirt and rocks crash down around me while not being crushed beneath them.

But how do I get up in the tree instead of just looking at it?

Emesis of Words

My thoughts are scattered tonight.  I feel the need to get it out of my head.  Excuse my word emesis.

Sometimes, I get tired.  The anxiety, the depression can all get too overwhelming.  Then I get even more depressed. 
I have a good life.  I have a house and family and friends and people who love me.  What right do I have to be upset?

I drink wine at night to take the edge off of the shit that rolls through my head.  I have tried deep breathing and meditation and they are helpful in the long run, I hope, but sometimes I can't wait.  Sometimes I struggle dealing with the shit that fills my head.

I am getting better.  Things don't hurt as deeply or for as long. 

I have anxiety about my girlfriend.  The Buddha says that we often struggle because we are fighting "what is" in hopes that we can make it what we want.  I do this.  I fight what is, or at least what may be.  I do this with my feelings and with relationships.  I am the king of denial.  My girlfriend anxiety comes from this.  The problem is facing what is, or figuring out what it is so as to know what I want it to be.  Then I fall into the trap of desire, or more accurately I am already in it.  The downward spiral of desire.

I don't know if I can truly trust a woman anymore.  I used to be able to.  This is a struggle because I love to love.  I love to give my love to a woman.  To take care of her.  To give to her.  To accept and be with her.  That is tainted.  I don't know how to get past that.

I keep saying to myself I need to let stuff go.  I don't know how to do that.

I over think.  This makes me miserable.  It also makes me perceptive when it is controlled.

Sometimes I think that being married and having kids is what I am meant to be.  Then I think that I really enjoy what I have now. 

Tonight I am awake at 3:33 am because I was scared to go to bed because I am scared of my brain.

I need a change.....I just don't know what.

Strength to Swim

It's here again.
The soft whisper that tells me things are bad, that something is wrong.  It's touch is weak, but it is there and for some reason I want it to be there.  It is like I miss it.  I need it.  I want it.  But why do I want it? 

What is the point? 
I suppose that in writing it, I am trying to make it silent.  That is a step.
But it is there. 

I think I get tired of holding it off.  I am worn out and my strength is weak.  That is when he comes back.  That is when my boogie man comes out.  He waits till it is starting to get dark and finds the shadows.  I am stressed upon stressed.  He steps in when I am like this.  He steps in and makes it worse.
I know this is passing.  I know that it is only temporary.  Like a storm.  But it is during the storm when it seems like it will never end.  I hope that this one is skirting by.  I don't feel it like I usually do, so that is all the more possible. It is also possible that I am stronger.  That my attempts at finding clarity and peace are making headway.  I may actually be alright.

I may actually be alright.

You see, my mind is like a river and when I let go and stop swimming, when I get tired and can't paddle as hard, I get swept away.  I lose mindfulness and I lose myself.  It's hard.  It is a struggle, but that is what makes us stronger.  Just as we gain muscle when our body is pushed beyond it's normal limits, we become stronger when we are pushed.   I feel like I cold be a fucking Mr. Universe at this point. 
Sometimes it seems like things are put in front of us when we need them.  I feel like the quote at the end of this was put to me for some reason.  As I was writing this, it popped up on my Tumblr. 
Crazy.

Now to work on being rooted in myself.

“To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself; otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.”

—	Eckhart Tolle

Posting With Positivity

This seems to be the moment for a positive blog.  I find these becoming something that I do from time to time which is a change from when this blog started.  That's a step in the right direction.  That means that I am letting go of some of the shit blocking up my mind.  As long as it is sitting there, anything that gets added piles in on top of it creating a muddied bowl of stinky, putrid water.  In  many ways this blog is the plunger.  Yes, that is gross, but it fits and it makes me laugh a little.

I hold on.  It's what I do.  I hold with a desperation that is rivaled by the greatest rock climbers, though what I hold on to is not always what helps me stay alive.  I seem to like hanging on to the things that make my life harder, the things that bring me suffering.  Although this is normal, it sucks.  I watched a TED Talks about memory and happiness and learned that people tend to remember and experience by what occurred last.  If you are on a vacation and have a wonderful time, but then you lose your wallet, that vacation experience is ruined by that loss.
I embody this.  Boy do I ever.
But, not only do I remember the bad things the most clearly, I tend to let those things taint further experience.  I wear them like glasses.  Instead of correcting my vision, they blur and distort.  Sometimes I remember to take them off, or perhaps forget to put them on.  When I do, I can see that life is full.  I feel worth something.  I love clearly and see clearly and feel clearly.  Those tainted glasses are shit.  I don't know why I put them on.  I suppose it is the opposite of the time in my life when I first realized I needed actual glasses.
I remember walking home from school and looking up at the leaves and realizing that they were blurry.  The greens mixed together and formed a shape, but I couldn't see the individual leaves very well.  After I got glasses I looked up at the trees and could make out each part clearly.  I have replaced those glasses with these new ones and once again, I can't see the leaves for the tree.
Thankfully, today I am not wearing them.  It is free and light and full of sunshine even amidst stressful things going on all around me.  Perhaps it is a glimpse of what is to come if I continue doing what I am doing.  I would love that, but have to be careful to not hold on to that thought to closely.  No expectations, right?  But, in this moment things are wonderful.  I am overflowing with emotion for life and this moment. 

I think that often we hold on the moments that we last remember.  They color everything we do and see for as long as we hold them.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what we are holding on to.  I eat McDonalds once every six months or so because I will be hungry and can't stop somewhere or I will only have a dollar or two to eat, or whatever.  Every time I do, the memory of why I don't eat there is solidified.  In this case, it is a good thing otherwise I would keep eating food that, now, makes me physically ill.  But when we keep remembering the bad stuff, like a relationship of the past where we were miserable, then any other relationship we come to will be colored for the worse. 
Let that stuff go.  Put it down.  Set it ablaze.  Walk away. 
Thanks to days like today, I set more of it down and light it up.  It's a process.

So, in writing this, I am letting this moment go.  For even as it is full of joy, it is just as fleeting as moments of sadness.  The next moment will come and go as well and it will be full of whatever I pour in to it.  When I feel like this it is easy to see this.  I know that when there is depression it is so much more difficult, but hopefully I will retain some of this.  Hopefully, this will be as strong a learning experience to take with me.  As long as it is, I will keep getting stronger and life will be filled with more moments of happiness. 

That makes all the shit that piles up smell a little bit more like roses. (Gross, I know.)

“Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you’ll come to realize how unnecessary it was to drag those burdens along with you. You’ll see that no one other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival.”

—

Osho

Riding the Bull

It is strange when I am able to keep my anxiety under control, or as under control as a bull rider keeps a pissed off bull.  This whole deep breathing thing works.  The idea of staying in the moment works.  The thought that nothing is permanent helps.  It also helps knowing that I have been through worse and survived.  Obviously, I am talking about a woman.  That is all I seem to take to heart.  The thoughts and emotions that come with being with someone are my main source of suffering.  One of these days I am going to stop and I am going to stay away from them.  Every time I touch the fire, I get burned.  It is also possible that I am the source of the fire.  I am the cause of the burn.  This duality is insufferable sometimes.  

I think that one of my struggles lies in my need for connection.  It is a drug to me, making me high and happy.  When there is a threat to that connection, I begin to suffer the effects of the withdrawal immediately.  I grasp on too tightly.  I hold on to things I can't control and then I get upset when they go their own way.  To compound this, when things are going well I will latch on to any negative thing that comes up and hold on to that instead of seeing the things that are good and enjoying those.  In some ways, this is good.  I don't want to live a deluded life colored by rose-colored glasses.  I also don't want to wear my pessimism all the time.  It is a difficult balance to maintain.  When I lose control of it, I break my own heart.

The interesting thing about today is that, although the anxiety is under a modicum of control, it is this permeating sadness that is sitting behind my eyes and heart ever so quietly.  It is a kind of acceptance of things that have not even happened yet.  Is it better to live in cynicism to be pleasantly surprised, or to live in optimism and be disappointed?  I guess the answer is neither.  It is better to just live and take the events as they happen.  But this is hard to do.
It is hard to keep the movie in my head from taking over real life, from replacing the now with whatever it is that my delusional heart wants me to see.

Am I just trying to see something that isn't there, or am I trying to rationalize and delude myself into believing that it isn't there when it is?
 Trust is really difficult.

I guess the positive here is that I am riding the bull, not allowing it to trample me.  That is a good thing.

"Why did anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. You forgot your main purpose. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering."

— Eckhart Tolle

Waking Up Again

I don't know what time this thing will say I posted, but it is 5 in the morning.
I woke up this morning from a dream where She was trying to get back into my life.  I said no over and over again, but in the dream, she kept coming back and was hauled away by security in whatever apartment my dream had me in.  So, now I am awake because it is hard to go back to sleep when you wake up sobbing.  I know that I have touched on a lot of this with attempts at poetic language, but I think I just need to say a lot of things.
She hurt me more than I can express.  Just writing it stirs up a lot of emotion.  I used to blame myself for the pain, I used to say that I was doing my share of hurting her.  I was not perfect, that is true.  I also chose to accept what was happening to me and not get away from it sooner.  I was going through the hardest time of my life because I wanted to be with the person that I thought she was.  But that was not enough.
I am not going to go into what happened between us, though, this paragraph is part of a rather massive edit.  But the result of my relationship and the things that took place was that I was on the brink of suicide drinking one to two bottles of wine while taking whatever pills I had.  The combination of the guilt brought on by her and the pain of my divorce was too much.  I had let everyone down.  I was constantly letting the woman I loved down and didn't know how to stop. Now, I struggle trusting any woman.  I expect to be hurt.  I expect to be lied to.  I expect to hear the things I want to hear absent sincerity.  Red was right.  I am broken.  But I don't want to be broken anymore.  I am so tired of feeling sad and being unable to connect and trust without fighting these demons that plague me.  My heart hurts.
I am not as healed as I thought I was.
I received a text from Her last week.  I ignored it, or more accurately, tried to ignore it after a simple response.  You see, I went against what everyone tells me and I replied because I want to believe that I have forgiven and moved past the anger and the pain.  I want to be okay with it all.  That one text turned into four or five over the course of the past few days.  I have done my best to ignore it and not let it bother me.  My dream tells me that it does bother me.  A lot.
I am not fine.  I may never be fine again.  Seeing those texts and having that dream made me realize that I am not.  I can't hold it in any longer.
I do not believe that she will see this.  Her last text was to tell me that she was sorry for the pain and that she is done reading my blog and texting me.  I don't know that I want her to see this.  I am not bashing her.  She has a lot of her own past and baggage to deal with and that causes people to act in ways they might not mean to.  But I can not have dreams like that any more.  I can't feel like this any more.  I am so sick of being sad and of looking at the past couple of years of my life as a big black hole.  What is done is done, I know that.  I am trying to live in the moment and find happiness.
That is why I wrote this.
I am done feeling sad all the time for things that were not my fault.  I am done allowing that big black hole to continue to fuck with my life.
I am done having dreams that wake me up in tears.  


I saw this and it fits well, even a week after I wrote this.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”

Tupac Shakur

Expecting a Disaster

I realized something that I have known, but not really seen. 
I am expecting to get hurt.  I am almost actively looking for it as a knee jerk reaction to really liking someone.  It stems from my refusal to let go of past experiences, and I know this but I struggle to change it.  My relationships end badly.  They always do.  Sometimes, I am the one in control of it when it ends and with others, it is out of my control.  Such is the way with people and love. 
I think the enormity of the pain I have recently experienced still resides within me.  I am holding on to it, though I am not sure why or how.  The tremors from the quake that rocked my life are still a threat, or at least that is what I have built up defenses against.  I can't help but wait for another earthquake.  I am like LA, minus the massive eating disorder, money, and endless supply of silicone.  I am full of insecurity, a desire to act, and preparation for disaster.  It is in this preparation that I am feeding my anxiety and fear which spills over into every other part of my life. 
It is kind of irritating and largely annoying, I am sure, for the people in my life that have to hear about it. 

I have been on about not having expectations, and that is true, but I think that the motivation behind that thought was positive expectations.  Don't hold on to the expectation for good things.  Also, don't hold on to expectations for bad things.  Don't have any expectations.  They lead us away from the moment we are in.  If something doesn't go the way we want, we get upset.  If we expect bad things, we get upset.  Expectations lead to suffering. 

So, I have decided that I need to work on not being an idiot and expecting that I am going to get hurt.  I know this chick likes me, or at least the rational part of me does.  The irrational part thinks that she is lying to me, telling me what I want to hear, and holding on to a bevvy of men on the side with whom she flirts and texts and occasionally will "accidentally" let me see what they say.  But she is not like that.  She is cool and I have a hard time really accepting that fact.  It is irrationally difficult for me to believe that she might actually be what she says she is and that it is not all an act. 
I have gone paranoid and crazy.  I am jumping at shadows. 

So, now that I see it I have to move on.  I have to stop.  If I don't, I will never have another healthy relationship.  I would like her to be my healthy relationship.

Childish Brain Antics

I found this interesting based on yesterday's post.

“One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.”

—

Eckhart Tolle This idea is of critical importance in maintaining serenity.  You will never truly experience peace of mind until you have through practice, using directed mindfulness mediation. learned to rein in the wild horses of your conscious mind. We see quotes with this exact bit of wisdom from Lao Tzu, the Buddha, the Zen Masters, Ram Dass, Alan Watts, the Dalai Lama and many others. All saying the same thing: Learn mindfulness, quiet the chatter in your mind by taking control of your inner dialog and you will experience true joy, you will see the world in a new and fresh light and you will never be the same again. When ever a bit of wisdom is found in several different times and places in a variety of spiritual traditions chances are it is universal in scope and a very valuable bit of knowledge. Samsaran. (via samsaranmusing)

The Anxiety Whisperer

I have a plan.

Dealing with my anxiety is a bit overwhelming.  I can feel a tightening on my heart and a lump in my throat.  I recognize it every time.  This anxiety is like a stray dog, a pit bull, I have decided.  It is not intrinsically cruel.  It is just a puppy and whether or not it attacks you is based on how you treat it.  Like all dogs, Anxiety (the pit bull, you see) needs a pack leader.  It will take over, if you let it, and will tear up your house, shit on your carpets, attack your friends, eat all your food, and sleep in your bed.  I often allow this kind of behavior, as we all well know.  However, if you take a calm and commanding stand, the dog will submit, roll over on its back, and be your bitch. 

My hope, or theory, is that by approaching the anxiety or the fear this way I will be able to gain a modicum of control.  It runs my life sometimes and gets in the way of me having a good time.  It’s like a dog that I have to clean up after once a week.  I would love to take it to the pound, but like a pet it has become a part of me. 

So, here is the plan. 

When Anxiety starts acting up, I breathe deeply and slowly and return to the moment.  I calmly look at it and avoid anger or frustration because that little bastard feeds off that shit.  Then I try to master it by looking at it.  I don’t know how to carry this part into my creatively awesome metaphor, but I will look at its root cause.  What is it that is pissing Anxiety off?  Why do I feel that way about what I am seeing?  Do I need to feel that way?  And I breathe the whole time.  Sometimes I can make that shhht sound that the Dog Whisperer makes and things calm down.  Other times I need to take him for a walk and burn off the extra energy.  

I believe that this method is my meditation.  It makes the anxiety and the fear a cute little puppy, and we all love cute puppies.  It also forces me to take breaths and act in the way that I keep reading about.  Take a step back.  Look at it, but don’t let it take control. 

Maybe I am being over optimistic or too simplistic.  I don’t know.  I have to do something, though. 

Relationship With Fear

This anxiety tears me up and I don't know where exactly it is coming from.  I can't point at it and say, "there it is.  Fuck off anxiety.  Fuck off fear."  It is more like a direction that I can see, but can't get to.  I don't trust like I used to and this is driving me up a wall, or into one depending on how bad it is.  My gut instinct is to trust first, question later.  Now there is a duality to my trust.  Part of me is open, the other is closed.  It is like a battle going on in my head all the time.
Obviously, this has to do with a woman because that is the part of my life that is always having problems.  God, I hate that.  It's kind of sad.

I spent a weekend away from her.  My mind goes to town.  I begin to create situations.  The situations become bigger and bigger.  There are pretend arguments and discussions and me telling her off for the things she did in my pretend situations.  How fucked up is this?  I make myself crazy!!  Maybe I am.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I am not handling this very well.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel very lost at the moment. 
I don't want to be a person who is controlling and jealous and codependent.  I don't want to feel like I have to see her to know what she is doing.  I don't want to make this stuff up in my head.  I don't want to see her and have to stuff all of these thoughts down so she can't see them.  I also don't want to talk about them so that she sees how fucked up I am.
I want to be a man.  I want to be strong.  I want to be able to be in a relationship with someone and feel secure.  I don't feel secure.  I have thought that maybe I should end it with her, but what does that solve.  I am still here.  I am the source of all of this shit.  Leaving her still leaves me with me.  Frustration is a mild word for this.

So, what do I do?

I have to talk to her.  I don't know what the other choice is.  To not talk would be to give in to fear and to avoid conflict.  That solves nothing.  I need to face the fear and the anxiety and make friends with it.  I need to give it a nice dinner, a good night out and then send it on its way.  I need to break up with it.  My relationship with it is over.
This is going to be a hard break up.  If I were to guess, I would say it will be one of those relationships where we get back together and break up again and again.
I need to live right now.  No expectations.  I need to stop expecting bad things, especially.  I also need to stop wanting and just start doing.

This sucks, but hopefully I will actually learn something from it.

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear— are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

—	Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

White Knuckled Expectation

The fear is creeping in again.

My girlfriend and I are spending a weekend apart, the first such weekend since we started seeing each other.  I know it all sounds sweet and mushy.  I will miss her and she says she will miss me and we hugged and kissed and spent one last night together before we are apart for two days.  That’s right, 48 hours.  I laugh about it because it is sappy and that sentiment feels good.  I shake my head, too, because I am a guy and guys don’t feel stuff, right?  There is also the anxiety, the reminder that I don’t completely trust her, the fear. 

All of this stems from my attachment to her and her actions.  I have tied my happiness to the actions of this woman and that is a dangerous and self-destructive thing to do.  When we place our peace of mind in the control of something outside of ourselves, it is like trusting a child with a stranger.  Most people are good and they will take care of it.  But there are some who won’t. 

Reading that, I see where my fear is coming from and I hate it.  It is the same old story of my insecurities and this ridiculous issue with trust being thrust into the open again.  I have to remind myself that she is who she is.  She is not something or someone else and has not hurt me.  We place the ghosts of our pasts onto the people of our present.  I am scared of something that has not happened.  It is not real.  I am jumping at the thought of shadows.  When I step back and look at it, I am ashamed. 

Instead of enjoying the fact that I will have a weekend with other friends and a chance to catch up with them, I am focused on the absence of someone.  I am focused on what they might do.  I have gotten lost in the abscess of my fears.  It is irritating.  The truth is, I really like this woman and in liking her I have transferred fears and baggage on to her.  She has not done anything to break my trust and has repeatedly reassured me of her feelings.  There are moments when I can’t read her and it is in these moments that I focus.  These spaces in between the light are going to ruin me.  She might do something to break my trust, yes.  Then again, she might not.  Knowing her, there is more of a chance that she won’t do anything and I will have been sitting here fretting and biting my nails for no reason.  

What I like is that I caught it before it got too big.  If nothing else, I know that I am learning and growing and gaining some sense of sanity.  I read what I have written and see old patterns reasserting themselves; the attachment, the fear, the jealousy, all coming up and rearing their stupid heads.  The difference is that I see them for what they are.  

So, how do I deal with them? 

By stepping back and looking at these situations with honest eyes, with the mindset of being open with ourselves, we can see what the feelings actually are and where they live.  I get the impression that this stuff comes up from the deep wells of our own psyche and is rarely, if ever, manifested from others.  The jealousy, the fear, the anxiety all lie within our minds and are the cause and often the results of a white knuckled grip on what we believe should be instead of what is.  With expectations in place, we set ourselves up for suffering.  With a firm attachment to those expectations, we are set up for more suffering.  By letting go of that (there is that whole letting go theme coming back) stuff, there is a chance for some peace of mind. 

What happens is what happens.  How we react is what we can control. 

So, I won’t hold on to what I believe will happen or should happen.  I will focus on what is happening.  This weekend will be what it is and I will focus on the moment.  I look forward to Sunday, though.  I will see her on Sunday and that thought, right now, makes me smile.